Relationship Stress Post Baby
I have come across a lot of couples recently that have been struggling with their relationship... all of them have one thing in common... They recently had a baby.
I remember our relationship post baby... it was a mess. I would ask myself all the time "really? really? he is the one I fell in love with? I just made a baby with him?"
Give it a little time, and soon it will fix itself. Once a baby comes into our lives, everything changes! On top of everything that is going on women have to deal with hormonal imbalances too.
Babies don't come with a manual that has all the answers to take care of them. Not a single day is predictable. A lot is happening way to quickly for us to grasp it...
As parents we will not take it out on the baby obviously, so we tend to take it out on our partners. Lash out for anything and everything.
Most couples think that a baby will bring them closer and that life after childbirth will be a time of tenderness, intimacy, and maturity. However, having a baby is stressful that challenges even the best of relationships. First-time parents face role changes, lifestyle adjustments, and financial difficulties. Experienced parents have additional demands from their previous children.
Mothers and fathers deal with their newborn baby in different ways. Misunderstandings and conflicts can affect the relationship as a result. If the mother is experiencing postpartum depression, that can add to the conflicts too, as both couple may not know how to respond to it.
I wanted to go over few ways that can help and improve the relationship post baby.
Mothers go through:
New mothers are often overwhelmed by their life changing role. Before they their concerns were probably dealing with friends and possibly a challenging career. Now all their needs are pushed to the side as priority is their baby. They may feel less important and unnoticed now that their days are filled with diaper changes, feedings, and unlimited supply of chores. Fathers can help by trying to understand how busy their partner’s day really is. Don’t expect chores to be done, the house to be clean, and dinner to be on the table when you come home from work. Instead, you can ask your partner about her day and how you can help. Offer to take care of your newborn baby alone, that way your partner can take a break. This alone time with the father can also be good to bond with the baby.
Another issue new moms go through is about their body image. Their breasts look different, their hips are wider, and it may be harder than predicted to lose that extra weight. Dads can help by reassuring about her looks. She needs to know that you still find her attractive.
Fathers go though:
As much as guys don't like to admit, some dads feel left out. They sometimes see the new baby as a sort of competition for your attention. Due to that, they may withdraw and become depressed. Moms can help by including the dad with taking care of baby, as in give baths together. Mothers should also take advantage of his offers to spend one-on-one time with baby. Fathers might do things differently from you, but try not to let that bug you. He needs to do things in his own way, and he will be just fine.
Spend time with each other:
New parents are always busy, feedings, diaper changes, and consoling a baby seem to be a never ending task. When finally parents get a little break to spend time with each other, they are completely exhausted. They are cranky from sleep deprivation, not eating proper meals through out the day... overall feeling to spend time with each other just isn't present.
No matter how hard it may be, try to find time for each other to talk things over and be a couple again, even if it is for a couple minutes. Even if it means to schedule in a time in your calendar when you are both available, DO IT! Choose a time when your newborn baby and other children are well-fed and settled/asleep. It might be difficult to find time in the beginning but it'll get easier. We just have to remember to set time aside.
Bring back the Intimacy:
Most new parents takes unintentional break from sexual intimacy. Sometimes this can begin during pregnancy because the couple felt uncomfortable about having sex, the mother was not feeling well, or there were complications. Sometimes abstinence during pregnancy can lead to a long period of abstinence after the baby is born.
Some women during birthing tears or has episiotomy, both requires quite some time to heal. If the women does not wait to heal before having sex it will painful for her. Even if she didn't tear, her vaginal muscles may be too slack and not be ready too soon after giving birth to enjoy sex.
Breastfeeding can inhibit a woman’s desire to have sex. Mothers may feel that her breasts are reserved for her newborn baby now, that also can affect her desire to get intimate. Also, when a woman is constantly touching and interacting with her baby, especially if she is breastfeeding him, she can feel too “touched out.” This is a common feeling in women, where they do not want any physical contact with their partner because they are getting so much from their newborn baby... They need space.
Men can feel rejected both physically and emotionally by their partner, they are not going through the same thing as the women, that's why it is important to talk to each other about your feelings. There are other ways to be physically intimate with each other, like cuddling, spooning and holding hands.
Finance:
One of the most common reasons to argue after having a baby is regarding financial issues. Expenses add up very quickly when you have a new baby. If your home were a two-income family, the financial stress of raising a baby on one income can be amplified. A lot of times, moms are only focused on taking care of the newborn baby, this leaves the fathers to worry about finances by himself. This tends to stress the fathers who has to make tough decisions about financial priorities (as a lot of times they will not open up with their partners). This can lead to stress and conflicts in the relationship.
It is important to have an open communication with your partner, so both of you are their to support each other emotionally. There are ways to save money when you have a little one, such as accepting hand-me-downs from friends and family, breastfeeding instead of formula, and letting people know what items you do need for your baby in baby showers or after the baby is born (if you know family and friends will come with gifts to see the baby, it is better to tell them what you need instead of them spending their money on useless gifts).
Relationship gets difficult after a baby comes in the picture, it gets even more complicated by postpartum depression. Changing roles, social isolation, and financial difficulties can all contribute to depression. Both partners can experience loneliness, isolated and depressed after having a baby. It is important to have a healthy open communication with each other. Remember to set aside some alone time with each other, even if it is couple minutes.
Remember it is ok to seek for medical help if you or your partner are really feeling the blues/depressed.
This is only temporary... REMEMBER THAT! The new born phase will pass and slowly and surely you will start to adjust and get back the "New Normal"
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